I am not ok!

This blog has honestly given me life since I started it, but the fact of the matter is, no matter how much something gives you life if your ill your ill.

No matter how much my kids love me I am not ok. No matter how much my partner tries to help me this isn’t going away.

What’s going on?

For months now My mental health has been deteriorating. I have tried and tried my hardest to keep pushing it to the back of my head. Gloss over the deep cracks exposing themselves more and more every day.

I don’t want this blog to be all doom and gloom, but this is where I am right now. Writing these things down helps me to process my thoughts, a new coping mechanism this blog has given me that I’m grateful for.

I reached my breaking point.

Thursday was the day that broke me. I woke up in the foulest of moods. Head pounding as soon as I opened my eyes. Body aching, thoughts racing.

Here we go again. Another day with my friend depression.

The minute I got out of bed there was nothing that was right. All the smallest inconvenient things where major head fucking obstacles I couldn’t even bare the thought of climbing.

Why the hell doesn’t anyone listen to me?!

I’ve told you I’m not well, I’ve asked you to put your stuff away, I asked you tidy your room. I’ve asked you to keep the noise down.

I’ve said I’m struggling. I really need everyone to pull together and take some of the slack.

Even when they do I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I still feel like all the pressure is on me.

Worrying about money, bills, the house, the kids, my partner,the dogs.

Am I doing enough? No I’m not doing enough.

When I do enough, no one notices anyway they just take me for granted. When I don’t do enough, the mum guilt is fucking real.

The explosion.

So there I am pacing round the house, stressing every little detail of what’s not right. What’s not in place. What everyone is doing wrong.

My partner tries to help me so much. Taking note of all the things I’m ranting about going around putting these things right. Trying to take the strain with the kids. Trying to take more responsibility of things in the house. Cooks dinner, cleans and emotionally supports me.

You always take things out on the people closest to you.

So there I am in the kitchen loosing my shit over something I can’t even remember right now. I said something horrible to him and he laughed.

Within 0.5 of a second I went from raging to a fucking monster that I feel I have no control of.

I flung the kitchen table over as I jumped up from the chair. I completely lost it, and in that moment I could feel the power of my actions slipping away from me.

I’m going to end up doing something I can’t take back.

When you’re ill and you snap it’s like something you can’t explain. What you’ve been avoiding, suppressing, trying to keep a lid on explodes like a volcano and I become a completely different person.

There’s no logic in my actions. It’s all emotion. I find it so hard not to lash out physically as well as emotionally.

What’s next?

There she is, the monster.

I can feel myself loosing control spitting venom out of my horrible mouth. Putting all my hurt and anger on to the one person that actually loves me.

For fuck sake why can’t I just stop. Your being the toxic you pushed out of your life. Why? I’m drowning in anger and frustration and I don’t know what to do. How to manage it, how to cope with it.

So I do what I do best. I throw that brick wall straight back up and ask him to leave.

In the moment it was more because I couldn’t control myself. I just needed him gone, I can’t control this monster.

Quietly and calmly he does exactly as I have asked. In my complete and utter state of madness I don’t feel nothing. I’m numb.

Why does he love me?

After he left and I calmed down. I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt so physically and mentally drained and my head was still going.

It just doesn’t stop. No matter how much I want it to, it just doesn’t shut up!

Then my anxiety starts, my whole body completely trembling. My heart is racing, I feel physically sick to my stomach. My breathing isn’t right…. Now the panicking starts.

A couple of hours after he left, he messaged me. After everything I said and done. He wants to me to know he loves me and his here for me, his exact words,

I’ve got you.

I just want to be normal.

I could not of felt anymore guilty. I love this man with everything I have and he has been a saviour in mine and my kids life.

Yet I still continued to push him away. I’m no good. This is what I do. You don’t deserve this. It’s not your problem. You’d be better off without me.

Yet he still wouldn’t have it. It’s not my problem it’s ‘ours’. We are in this together, no matter how much you push me away I’m not going anywhere.

After he left, after I asked him to. Whilst I was crying upstairs smelling his jumper wishing he hadn’t. I honestly realised I am seriously mentally unstable.

After all this. This man came home, got in bed with me and just cuddled me. All I could do was cry and say how sorry I was. How I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I just want to be normal.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I was on my own for three years before I met him and had a lot of healing to do from the toxic relationship with my children’s dad.

I have healed a lot and I have grown as a person, a women and a mother. I have also realised I still have a lot of healing to do.

I am over my toxic past but until I got into another relationship, I didn’t realise there are still unhealed wounds. There are still trauma responses there.

I understand I have been un well. I knew some sort of melt down was coming. I understand I had a trigger and trauma response here. It was when he laughed at me.

It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know. But in that moment I was back with my children’s dad, loosing it over something he had done to me. Then him standing there laughing at me telling me “your fucking crazy” knowing I wasn’t crazy I was right, but it would send me fucking crazy.

If you can’t face the truth, you’ll never move forward.

Mental health problems or not, If you fuck up, you have to own it. Even when you don’t mean to lash out, other people get hurt in the process.

A positive in this is I can notice what my trigger was in this situation. I have also taken ownership of my actions. That’s something I couldn’t do before or wasn’t mature enough to go face.

Now I need to do what’s necessary medical wise.

I had a change of one of my meds. Ever since then I haven’t been stable. I’m to up and down and unpredictable since I’ve been on these. I did phone the doctors about 4/5 months and explained this, I said I’m getting to a place where I could do something stupid.

That’s exactly how I feel again, especially on Thursday. I really could of ended it all. Just be selfish and shut my head up. Let it all go away.

I’m stronger then that though. Last time the doctors fobbed me off about these meds. They aren’t doing that again.

I’ve known for a while, but to even pluck up the courage to ring the doctors takes me months. To then get palmed off every time. Whats the point?

What’s the point?

The point is…. This is exactly why I started this. To share the ugly truth of mental health. To be honest with myself and anyone who reads this, and to shine a light on how little help there is.

I also want to make a change. Somehow somewhere I don’t know. I do know medication is rammed down our throats and I do know there is not enough support out there.

I’m really lucky to have such a supportive partner and amazing kids. I’m also lucky enough to have an amazing best friend who takes me as I am let’s me express myself good and bad, and keeps my head as straight as it can be.

I will face my fear tomorrow. I will ring the doctor and will not be palmed off. I need to do it for me and everyone around me. They also need to know even on my worst days, I love them more then anything.

My partner is the calm in my storm. We don’t have a toxic turbulent relationship. Most days it’s absolute bliss. This is just the ugly truth of a relationship with someone who’s mentally un well.

He is the best thing that happened to me. He is my safe place my best friend and accepts every single part of me.

I deserve to get better and so do you.

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