Am I harder to love?

Am I harder to love because I have mental health problems? Most people would ‘think’ the answer to this question is no. Of course not, your no different to anyone else.

Well I’m going to throw a spanner in the works and say yes! Yes we are!

The whole reason I’m doing this is to be honest, and honesty should always start with ourselves. If we can’t be honest with ourselves we can’t be honest with anyone else.

It’s also something I’m huge on. Some people would say I’m “to honest” sometimes brutal but that’s not how I see it. I’m to old and been through enough shit to have to pussy foot around people and not speak truthfully.

People with MHP are flaky. We will make make plans with you one minute and cancel the next. This has a strain on relationships and friendships. Especially those who don’t understand MHP. It’s not a choice, it’s not being unreliable some days we just can’t.

We blow hot and cold quite often. One minute we want to be loved and surrounded by what makes us most happy. The next we don’t want anyone in our space, can’t pick up the phone or even drag yourself to open the door. In fact…. Don’t even breathe in our direction.

Having MHP is like being on an emotional rollercoaster 24/7. Such high and low extremes that it effects you physically. Constantly going up and down. Thoughts racing round your brain like there’s 10 rollercoasters in your head all going off the rails and no one knows who the fucks controlling what.

I find myself draining, frustrating and unpredictable. I act on impulses and literally have no control over that action. I can be nasty and push people away. The whole world hates me so why wouldn’t they? I hate myself at times. How is this easy to love?

The mum guilt

I know from coming from a mum with MHP myself, my kids probably find me harder to love also. She was hard to love, and found it hard to love me and my brother.

Now this doesn’t mean my kids do not love me with their whole hearts and I’m not their whole world as they are mine. That’s one thing I did break the cycle with.

Just like anyone around me, my kids do get effected by my problems. When I’m ill they see things. They hear things. They’ve also witnessed things I’m not proud of.

Being a single mum on and off for so many years they’ve been on my highs and lows with me no matter how much I’ve tried to hide it. What mood will mummy be in when I wake up today? What mood will mummy be in when we get home?

They’ve all had to grow up quicker in there own ways to help me and each other. There where times a few years ago when they where missing school, not leaving the house because I couldn’t, missing important appointments, struggling financially and not being able to prepare what I call ‘Proper dinners’.

One thing anyone who knows me will tell you is….. my kids are loved. So loved. I know I drive them mad telling them all the time, kissing and hugging them whenever I get the opportunity.

MHP are scary and can be very scary for the people around us .

Just because we are harder to love doesn’t mean we don’t need it.

Even when we show you we don’t need or want the love you are giving us…. That’s probably when we need it the most.

Be patient with us. We know we are hard to deal with, we know we are hard to love at times. We don’t mean to push people away it’s a defence mechanism.

If you haven’t heard from us in a while we aren’t ignoring you, we will reach out when we feel better. Don’t write us off because we cancel plans or don’t reply. Just knowing you’ll be there at the end of whatever we are going through really does help.

If we was short with you or had an emotional outburst we probably didn’t mean it. If we are acting out or not at all then we aren’t well. We can be quite child like in our behaviours and needs.

We know we are harder to love and as strong as we may act…. We still need it.