For me, this is the only way I can describe my depression… ‘The Cloud’. When I’m depressed ,which I am right now, the main thing that happens every time with out fail is the thick foggy head.
I call it the cloud because it’s how it makes me feel inside my head’ like there’s a big black heavy cloud pushing down on my brain. How I imagine it would look if you could actually see depression.
Like friends you know well and can always rely on, depression will always be there ready to flare up and take the rug from under your feet for no apparent reason.
It starts with getting extremely ratty over the littlest insignificant things. Getting forgetful like when you have baby or period brain. Slurring my words being clumsy. Getting really sensitive to the noise around me like it’s nails down a black board.
Most of the time I know when it’s starting. Like a leaking gas seeping into me that I have no control over. I tell myself it’s ok. It might just be a funny few days, I have those often, but I know it’s not.
The symptoms will continue and worsen….. feeling like my medication isn’t working, feeling mentally unstable and not in control of my emotions and actions. Waiting for the littlest thing that could send me completely over the edge, and then I can be the monster I’m made out to be.
The withdrawing is numbing, but a process I feel I have to go through. I don’t know when but I know it will pass. I have no motivation for anything. Not my house, not my kids, not my partner or friends, not even myself.
That’s a hard one to admit to. That not even my 3 beautiful children are enough to get out of bed for when I’m depressed. That they have had to grow up quicker and do things to help me and each other because mummy gets ill.
Not bathing for days on end cooking or cleaning are pretty normal. How can I do any of that when I feel so empty. When my whole head feel like it’s constantly under pressure from this bloody cloud to the point I sit here frowning with the worst migraine constantly rubbing my forehead like it’s going to relieve some of this pressure .
The physical demand isn’t only in my head. It effects my whole body. I ache to the point I can feel it in my bones. I feel physically and mentally exhausted but my head won’t shut up. Racing 100 miles an hour, keeping me awake for hours on end even days, making me feel like I’ve been on drugs or something. Having a wired off your face feeling.
Hating myself comes with my cloud too. Feeling like the biggest burden to my kids. Completely useless and inadequate. Reliving every mistake I’ve ever made. Every word I’ve ever said wrong.
All this being said the one way I get through it is by accepting it. I still find that hard but the more I accept it the more I can be kinder to myself.
Sometimes it can be so bad I don’t want to accept it, I can’t fucking stand it. I’d do anything just to be normal. Not to be that helpless that I can’t see a way out and think the only option isn’t to be here anymore. Everyone would be better off without me right?
Then just like a real cloud….. one day, the thick foggy head starts to clear. Little by little you build yourself back together again, brick by brick. Ready to face the world one more time.
Knowing the whole time. It’s still there. Lurking in the shadows. Waiting to knock you down at any given time.
Still, knowing all of this, going through all of this. I still continue to fight. If there’s one thing I did right in this crazy world. It’s my kid’s. The only reason I haven’t given in to my demons on my worst days and just ended it all.
The Mental Mummy 