Why am I Blogging?

Deep breath…… here it goes. Before I get started I just want to pre warn you I like to talk…. A lot. That being said there are a lot of times I don’t want to talk… to anyone for anything about anything. Good old depression and anxiety, two friends I didn’t ask for as well as other conditions and personalities.

I’m referring to them as friends, as they’ve been around pretty much most of my life and the older I get, I realize they aren’t going anywhere. I have to learn to not only live them but accept them. That for me is probably the hardest part. I’m a lot more accepting of my friends (mental health problems) now but I still have times I struggle. I get tired of never knowing when a low is going to hit, or a high. Having to go through the relentless process of hitting rock bottom and scraping yourself back up off the floor.

As a child I think I always knew there was ‘something wrong with me’. If I’m being honest my mum was bat shit crazy and so was her mum, so it kind of runs in the family. Cheers loves. Me and my mum never had a good relationship and still don’t to this day. I’m ok with that now though.

It took a lot of years of hurting fighting and rejection to realize it wasn’t my fault. My childhood my trauma not having good parents…. It wasn’t my fault and it still isn’t. I don’t need validation anymore I know the truth, I know how I felt and for now that’s enough…. It has to be, because that’s all I’m left with.

Sometimes you don’t get closure, you just move on.

I have thought about doing this on and off for a few years now not blogging as such, but something where I can get my thoughts and feelings out there. Talk and interact with people who have experienced the same or similar situations. Break some stigmas about being a mum with mental health. I personally don’t feel it’s spoken about enough.

For me this is going to be like a journal/dairy where I’m just going to type away whatever is in my head and hopefully get something therapeutic out of it by sharing myself and my life unapologetically for the first time in 31 years.

What are my mental health problems?

So what is actually wrong with me? When I was 19 and had my first child my son I got quite depressed after. I had an awful traumatic birth miles away from home and he nearly died…. In fact he did for around 7-8 minutes.

At first the doctor said I was suffering post natal depression and straight away I didn’t feel that was right. I was depressed, I think I had been since a child because of my childhood, but post natal depression…. I wasn’t having that.

I’m not a doctor but in my head I associated it (that term) with my son and that wasn’t right. He wasn’t the reason I couldn’t sleep couldn’t focus properly. He wasn’t the reason I felt so alone in this world, I’d cry myself to sleep most nights. He wasn’t the reason I felt so angry and bitter and like I was taking the whole world on my own shoulders. He wasn’t the reason I couldn’t get myself dressed let alone any other task.

I can’t give up, I have little eyes watching me.

After months back and forth with the doctor I got diagnosed with depression and put straight on to anti depressants. I was only 19 at the time and now when I look back I didn’t have a clue what it really meant. I didn’t do any research into the illness or the medication I was given. Why is the first option with mental health always medication? This is something I am going to write about shortly.

Skip to years later I keep getting really ill with my depression. I kept telling the doctor I’m not just depressed, there’s something else wrong with me. If I was just depressed why aren’t these tablets working why aren’t I getting any better.

This went on for years until I had a complete breakdown(my first one). Even through my break down the doctor’s where pretty useless. One thing you have to do with mental health that drives me fricking insane is fight….. fight fight FIGHT. Fight to be taken seriously, fight for help, fight for a diagnosis, fight for the right treatment and why? Real question…. why do we have to fight? We are already fighting a battle in our own heads everyday.

Just fighting to get the courage to even ask for help is huge. To then be shut down when you are at your most vulnerable state breaks you in a way you cant explain. That’s where I got too, my rock bottom.

Just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, someone will hand you a shovel.

I felt suicidal no one was helping me, no one was taking me seriously and the doctors won’t even give me a bloody appointment. So there I go in a complete state into my doctors in my Pajama’s un bathed for days hair looking like a birds nest with two kids in tow sobbing my eyes out that I need to been by somebody. I can’t keep being left I’m going to end up doing something stupid. I’m asking for help WHY AREN’T YOU GIVING IT TO ME! I have never known helplessness and frustration like it.

The doctor I saw this day was horrible. I was so vulnerable and I went into his office and I couldn’t fully explain how I was feeling. He then started to shout at me “what do you want me to do about it”, “you tell me what you want”.

Excuse me? You are the bloody doctor. How is this helping me? I honestly lost my shit and walked out devastated. Someone complained on my behalf but it didn’t change anything. I still avoid the doctors at all costs to this day because of that.

Eventually I got out through to the mental health team which takes months even with you pushing it al the way. I had an assessment. They then put me forward to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. He was lovely and I actually wish I got to spend more time with him. We spoke about my childhood my relationship with my children’s dad up to that present point. How I feel, what experiences I’ve had what are the triggers to my un natural emotional reactions.

He diagnosed me with severe depression mixed anxiety and an attachment disorder. He also said I had bi polar tendencies but I was on the borderline, What ever that means. I was also told adults don’t usually get diagnosed with an attachment order, its normally diagnosed in childhood due to neglect and many other things.

Even now though, I don’t feel fully diagnosed. I spoke to a therapist through some body else I know who has PTSD. After opening up to this therapist he advised me he thinks I’ve been misdiagnosed and have a personality disorder and I should really see a psychiatrist again. I personally think his been more on the money then anyone else I have spoken to about my mental health.

That being said, I will go back to what I was saying before. For that to happen I am going to have to fight, and I mean really fight for months and moths to even get seen by a psychiatrist. Just to get another label stuck on my head and more pills rammed down my throat.

Because honestly that’s the solution to mental health problems these days…. Let’s just give you some more medication to dope you out a bit more so your easier to deal with. I’m already on 4 lots of mental health mediation including anti depressants anti psychotics and anxiety blockers.

Why do people with mental health have to fight just to be believed. Any one who has suffered or knows someone who suffers with mental health knows it is not something to be taken lightly, they knows it’s not something you’d wish on anyone or like to have…. Why would we lie? Why? That’s how we are made to feel.

There’s so much out there now and more recently about mental health, but if I’m being honest I actually find a lot of it bloody patronising. “It’s ok not to be ok” “be kind” “it’s ok to talk” “just ask for help”. The reason I find things like this patronising is because a vast majority of people have no idea how to deal with someone that suffers mental health problems. To me and this is my own personal opinion I think it’s sugar coats it.

It kind of makes a lightness out of a situation that is darker then you could ever imagine. And realistically if someone reached out to you as said I’m loosing my shit, I want to die, I don’t want to be here anymore what would you do? Most people wouldn’t know what to do myself included in that.

The education is just not there, still in 2021 we are so uneducated about mental health. The help just isn’t there. Even if more people came forward more people spoke about it more people are brutally honest about the real ugly side to mental health. Our nhs is underfunded especially in the mental health department. There aren’t enough resources to help and even doctors and nurses themselves aren’t educated enough on this topic.

So where does that leave us? The real sufferers. Where does that leave our children? They suffer from this too, having a parent suffering from an illness, because that’s exactly what it is an illness not a choice.